Monday, November 12, 2012

New Changes are coming

I desided that we needed a change of pace. We desided to go to another church one that is quite larger than what we were used too.  We went to Sunday service and Bible Study. They played Contemporary music.  It was a change of pace for sure we felt welcomed and everyone was so nice. I am really glad it was okay.  I think that I really need to do more for others.  I am participating in a community share event and I really  am cleaning house as you can say.  I have tons of stuff and clothes that just need a new home. My family is making homeless bags with some scripture and some toiletries items.  I am doing this with my family to teach them to do unto others.  I was once homeless I lost everything twice it will never happen again. I lived in a shelter I have kept some of those relationships.  I am not homeless anymore but those times are burned in my memory. I felt so alone like nobody cared.  I didn't have a goood childhood. It was rough my mom was and still is an alcholic I have really moved her out of my life. My Christian friends think I should forgive and forget but she did this. Alchohal is a horriable drug. That's why I don't drink I never want something to have a hold onto me like that ever.  I am going on and on I am sure but I think that people need to quit hiding behind this.  Make it an open illness break free from the mind and the chains that exist.  Onto another topic we are planning our Thanksgiving dinner I am not sure what to bring to my mil house. There's so many recipes that I am good at cooking.  I will probally invite some people who don't have anyone to share their holidays with.  What are you planning on doing with your holidays?

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Getting Ready to Heal

Last night for the first time in my life I watched a movie so horrific that it seemed real. It was Precious. I had been wanting to see it and I watched it.  It brought back so many memories for me.. My mom's abuse was so vivid in my mind it was like watching a video in rewind it was horriable. I couldn't imagine treating a child like that. I just kind of identified with her I was over weight and didn't have many friends. Nobody cared someone had called CPS on my mom she cussed them out and slammed the door so they left never to come back again. It was like wow there's someone out there to help and they just left.  I couldn't believe it. When I was a child I asked about my dad his name where he worked where he was from. As a child I had hoped he wanted us (I am a twin) I was hoping he would come get us and save us from this alchohalic psychotic nut. He never did I gave up hope. It was depressing and heart breaking eventually as an adult I searched for him though due to him having a common name I couldn't find him. Just people with similar names. Finally I left a message on a phone. I didn't think I would get a call back.  I did it was him.  He called me I gave him questions. It probally felt more like an interrorgation. I asked him if he knew my mom what his birthdate was.  I peppered him with questions.  I had found him we talked on the phone I talked to my half sisters.  I have since met him and my step mom and my grandma and my cousins and aunts.  It is so hard to believe here's this loving family when I was raised in pure hell.  I was like god my sisters are so lucky.  I get emotional I think that he loves me and wants to be in my life. I wonder what he thinks sometimes. I wonder what goes through his mind.  Sometimes it keeps me up at night wondering.  Especially now that I have a family I really want him to be in our lives.  Has anyone else ever found some long lost family.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

What I am Thankful For and What is Keeping Me Busy

I have really been swamped lately with stuff. They found a suspicious spot on my lung.  I had a few CAT scans.  Then I continued on the road the wait a whole month just to have a biopsy. To see a specialist.  it was emotionally draing. I was exhausted I have felt alone. Everyone assumed even I that it was cancer but it wasn't yet. They told me if it continues to grow that's a bad sign and then they would want to do another biopsy and then a removal of the lobe. I am glad it's over the pain afterwords was bad but I survived. The other thing is that I was worried. It ate at me and ate at me and it was nasty. The coughing up blood scared me to death.  I have been cooking more spending time with my family and being grateful. For every moment and every thing that I needed to do. It is nice. My allergies have been really flared up with all this rain.  I think that the crop and the dust is horriable but thank goodness for allergy meds. They really have saved me.  I have been having lots of family dinners having lots of dinners that I have cooked. It really helps when u have so much on your mind.  My daughters been having some really fun projects at sc hool. It is fun that she is learning so much stuff.  I like to teach her things that I have learned too. My kids are so smart. I also helped plan a baby shower for my 20 year old. I can't believe that I am going to be a grandma it seems like it's just too soon. I don't even know if I want to beacome one that's called grandma. What are some cooler names that you guys use. I would love to hear your suggestions. Help me figure something out that's young cool and hip .  Have a blessed day u all.